YOU'RE ALWAYS A WINNER WHEN
YOU MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH! There are several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising. |
HENNY YOUNGMAN CLASSICS
I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food..... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, it was me who stayed in the bathroom and cried.
She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
I was just in London - there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.
The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered "So did my arthritis!"
The Doctor says: "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"
A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says "That's what puzzles me!"
"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." The Doctor says: "Don't answer!"
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking. The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
I made a movie with Farrah Fawcett, and her dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look.
A bum asked me, "Give me $10 till payday." I asked, "When's payday?" He said, "I don't know, you're the one who is working!"
A bum came up to me saying "I haven't eaten in two days!" I said, "You should force yourself!"
Another bum told me, "I haven't tasted food all week." I told him "Don't worry, it still tastes the same!"
I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient. They're in two separate buildings!
She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."
A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says "Do what I do. I put my head on my wife's bosom, and the headache goes away." The next day, the man says, "Did you do what I told you to?" "Yes, I sure did. By the way , you have a very nice house."
I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.
Last night I got thrown out of the casino. I completely misunderstood the crap table.
I know a guy at the casino who won’t gamble. He just watches the games and makes mental bets. Last week, he lost his mind.
This friend of mine is always spending money on gambling. Whatever he wins in one place, he blows in another. One time his wife got very ill, and was rushed to the hospital. He came crying to me. I hesitated. "I don’t know…you’re my friend and I love you, but I’m afraid you’ll just blow it in the slots." "No, I won't! I promise!" he insisted. "I've got money for the slots!" |
TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR KID IS ADDICTED TO GAMBLING
from "The Late Show with David Letterman," April 5, 1995
10. Keeps asking if he can double down on some cookies
9. Has converted hamster's treadmill into a crude roulette
wheel
8. For a six year old, he seems to know too much about jai-alai
7. His school lunches are comped
6. Knows the Vegas odds on where Waldo might be
5. There's a bookie sleeping in his treehouse
4. Changed his middle name to "The Greek"
3. He's nine and he's dating a showgirl
2. Says things like "Daddy needs a new skateboard"
1. He likes to ride
THE LIGHT IS RED MILDRED
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both barely large enough to see over the dashboard. As they cruised along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it. She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!" Mildred turned to her aghast and said, "Oh no! Am I driving?" |
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