I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food..... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, it was me who stayed in the bathroom and cried.

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

I was just in London - there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered "So did my arthritis!"

The Doctor says: "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says "That's what puzzles me!"

"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." The Doctor says: "Don't answer!"

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking. The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

I made a movie with Farrah Fawcett, and her dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look.

A bum asked me, "Give me $10 till payday." I asked, "When's payday?" He said, "I don't know, you're the one who is working!"

A bum came up to me saying "I haven't eaten in two days!" I said, "You should force yourself!"

Another bum told me, "I haven't tasted food all week." I told him "Don't worry, it still tastes the same!"

I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient. They're in two separate buildings!

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says "Do what I do. I put my head on my wife's bosom, and the headache goes away." The next day, the man says, "Did you do what I told you to?" "Yes, I sure did. By the way , you have a very nice house."

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.